Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
found the other keg... it's in the tree
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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