You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
