Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
