What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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