My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
