When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My vagina is officially offended.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
