I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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