Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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