my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
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