hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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