I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
