I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
