It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
