I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
