I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
