You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
