He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
