I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
