words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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