i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
