did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
