Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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