bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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