just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
