if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize
