You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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