Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
