i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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