I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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