Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
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