Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
