This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
