That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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