i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
