Ambien. No doubt about it.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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