pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
