Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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