Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
kristin has been a bad kristin
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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