I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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