I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm gonna have a badass scar
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
