the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
