there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
