Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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