franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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