all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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