went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
