R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
They are going to name an STD after you.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
