Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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