I met the friendliest cop last night
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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