Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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