I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
